April 15, 2008

I knew I was heavier than I have been in many years.

I knew that almost none of my clothes fit.

I knew that even though I felt huge and unhealthy and unattractive at 202 pounds that I had to be weighing even more now.

I knew that my wedding and engagement rings are very tight and from time to time I had pain or numbness in my ring finger from my fingers being too fat…

And still, last week when I stepped on the scale to “face the music” I was horrified and shocked to see the number looking back at me : 213.

How did I get here again? I am not living the same life that had me hiding from everything behind massive amounts of adipose tissue. I am happily married now. I am living a life I only dreamed about before. I have an almost fairy-tale-come-true lifestyle now, living in Paris, married to a really wonderful guy, enough money to not have to worry too much about money, a job that most of the time I find rewarding, good health, etc.

Why am I doing this to myself?

Why have I gained about 35 pounds since I met my husband? Why has that weight been gained in the past 9 months? Why has it continued to drift upwards?

At 185 I am not a skinny woman in anyone’s stretch of the imagination, but I am relatively healthy and for the most part I feel reasonably attractive. Granted, it’s hard to find clothes that fit when you live in Paris and weigh 185, and you’re almost always the fattest woman in a room, but still, it wasn’t so bad… And from time to time I did get my weight down to the mid 170’s in the past few years.

But I blasted through that 195 upper barrier last Fall and since January I guess I’ve been soaring to new heights.

I had such a huge shock with the 213 number that I couldn’t even imagine a week ago being willing to update a ticker or admit my new current weight until I got things somewhat under control.

It did help me push myself into action, and I’ve been trying to keep myself more aware (and motivated) by getting on the scale more often.

But denial isn’t going to help set things straight, so I’m acknowledging where I am.  And I’m determined to make 213, 212 and the entire 2-something family history before too long.

But I’m hoping that remembering how awful 213 was stays with me for a while — it was WAY too easy to end up here this time….

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