Doin’ okay

June 29, 2009

I’m doing okay these days.

It’s not always easy, it’s not linear, it’s not perfect, but it’s okay.

I’ve lost another pound this week, again pretty effortlessly.  I am still so amazed that I am not hungry while I eat this carb-restricted way.  That I can put lots of oil on my salad. Eat meat with sauce.  Have a cheese and olive snack.  Eat a dessert that has become my evening staple and makes me not miss sweets at all.  (Marscapone cheese mixed with a teaspoon of cocoa powder – so rich and chocolately flavored that I dont even miss the sugar).

The cancer is slowly shifting to be just a part of my life, not the monopolizing presence in my life.  I’ve attacked art projects and decluttering and other piled-up projects I’ve been meaning to get to ‘someday’.

Some of the discussions with my husband have been tough.  We don’t have the same perspective on the different paths to have a baby – I am totally okay with gestational carriers, he is not very at ease with this.  And at the same time, I’m very aware that I’ve not been successfully pregnant, and that to try a pregnancy at my age and with my history is a riskier undertaking than to use a young and proven gestational carrier (all these surrogate carriers have already had succesful pregnancies).  Plus there is the cancer angle, and I’m afraid of a cancer coming back while pregnant, having to make horrible choices between tumor and baby, the anxiety of 9 months of fear when it should be 9 months of healthy anticipation, etc etc.  These items we agree on, it’s just the ‘is hiring a surrogate carrier ethical’ issue which we don’t agree on, and while I think we’ll eventually find a way forward that we are both comfortable with, knowing we are not on the same page on this has been hard on me, hard on us, this past week.

I should have the final pathology report this week, and then the treatment plan starts in the coming days.

I’ve done some cooking this weekend, always very therapeutic to me, and have really, really enjoyed being home for several weeks now.  I imagine that next week and the following one I’ll be back on the road a bit, then we’ll be off for vacation, but at least I feel settled again.

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