Guilty

March 20, 2008

I have been feeling really guilty about my weight recently.

Not that those feelings have pushed me into action yet, but the pain is increasing and I am getting ready to get back in control.

I am busting out of my fat clothes and looking in my closet makes me sad and angry at myself.  I cannot wear 90% of what I own.

This weekend I decided to go do some shopping for fat clothes because all self-pity aside, I am in a real dilemma with professional outfits at this weight.  I went to 4 stores and it was a real eye-opener.  It is really hard to be Fat in France.  There is no section in the dept store for “women’s” sizes that gives you approximately the same styles and quality in bigger sizes like we have in the US.  Fat clothes are hell here.  Everything is ugly and polyester and shapeless and grandma…. And tremendously expensive (although I’d have paid quite a bit for decent stuff).  I found a few items to tide me few a few weeks but it was a horrid, horrid experience and it left me really clear that I absolutely cannot stay at this weight here.  I mean, aside from the multitude of other reasons  – how I feel about myself being this fat, how I look, my puffy hands and face, getting winded on more than 2 flights of stairs, knowing about the health risks I’m piling up, etc etc etc.  But the shopping plays in too, and that was just too much.

So, I’m hoping to be back here soon.

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