I understand why people scrap their blog

October 12, 2008

I’ve been on the 3FC blogs for a while now, and during that time I’ve seen MANY people stop blogging, and several of the consistent, committed bloggers just stop blogging, often taking down their blog completely.  Other than going off their diet, obviously, I’ve never really understood why.

Now I do, because for a part of me it seems like the best option too.

It’s not what I’m going to do – I like the idea of seeing people struggle through thick and thin and still put up the fight.  For years I’ve listened to a podcast of a guy struggling w his weight where he’s done just that – sometimes doing great and getting to goal, sometimes buried under mountains of cookies, and it’s probably the most inspiring of all the stories of weight loss I’ve followed over the years because he’s (usually) still working at it, and doesn’t have a easy, magical time of it, which I think is more reflective of the real world.

So, what’s happening with me?

  • I’m not exercising (although we did join the new gym, but I’ve only been once, tsk tsk)
  • I’m working like a dog, which is not my usual workload and is not really preventable, and this is likely to last another month or so.  I’m no slacker at work in the best of times, but this is really a lot, a level I haven’t been willing to do for years.  I’m in a job I dislike which has some hard deadlines these past few weeks and upcoming ones, doubled by a part-time assignment for my company (which I do like) which is a huge visible project and what we need to get done is enormous, we’re a small group working on it, and the deadlines are falling at the same time.  “Working all the time” lately has meant  getting up at 6 to work, being in meetings all day, working for several hours at night, and repeating this cycle all week sleeping around midnight, maybe with 3 hours discretionary time during the week, and another 3 the weekend, where I’ve been also working constantly for 3 weeks now.  Frankly, I’m sick of it, and I’m not screaming and shouting because I know I’ve made the halfway mark now.
  • Because of the above I have not had time to be on the internet much, so not reading blogs, not writing them either…
  • I switched phones in Sept and got the iPhone, which I thought would help make my blog postings more regular, but in truth it’s been the opposite.  You can’t update the 3FC blog from the iPhone.  I now do read the NYTimes and a few other of my regular sites from the iPhone so my need to go on a “real” computer daily has diminished, reducing the time I spend surfing the net in general.
  • I’ve been eating badly and in a cycle of no-exercise, crap-eating, scale-avoiding.  We all know what that means — GAIN.  So I’m mad at myself, disappointed in myself about that.  And of course because of the work situation, regular gym time continues to be impossible I keep putting off doing anything about it, undoubtably compounding the problem.
  • I think I fell into a small depression with the ectopic pregnancy.  My body is just now getting back to normal, and the abnormality was really bothering me.  The situation is sad, and I spent several weeks being very sad, crying a lot, etc.  Probably a normal phase of grief, but still, a lot of sadness.  Of course my comfort solution of choice is food… I guess it could be worse, it could be drugs or alcohol.  One of the upsides of my work situation is that it’s forced me out of that pity party, and my daily outlook is much more positive.

So I have lots and lots of excuses, but the bottom line, and the reason I won’t quit the blog is this :

I want to lose weight.

And just doing nothing isn’t working to accomplish that.  I’m not in a rush to do it, I’m not going to be able to get to the gym regularly for another 3-5 weeks, but that doesn’t mean I need to gain weight.  I feel tired and bloated and yucky, and there are some things that won’t take time but could make me feel better.

My clothing situation is getting dangerous again – I only fit in a small set of my wardrobe, and I have clear nightmares of how awful buying my-sized clothes in Paris is.  I’d really REALLY like to avoid going through that again, or at a minimum have it be my last time (not sure if I can really wait on a few items).

Just writing this makes me feel better.

I’m coming out of denial, and that’s going to count as the first step.

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