Not a straight path

July 4, 2009

Last night I had a stupid fight with my husband over almost nothing.  In reality, it was that I was wanting to be comforted and he was wanting me to be “normal”.  It took me several hours to realize how anxious I was in general – my mind whirring at a million miles an hour.  In the end I decided to take a sleeping pill because I felt that not much else would get my mind to settle enough to sleep.  I couldn’t even get myself focused enough on being miserable to have a good cry (which often works to relieve stress & get me to sleep).  Not that I’ve been crying much, in fact.  I’m wondering a little if that’s a problem – like I’m doing such a good job of holding it together on the outside that on the inside the stress emotions don’t know where to go.

I’m guessing this doesn’t make any sense to anyone reading this – it feels pretty convoluted in my mind.

I went to the gym today and did a 45 min elliptical workout that really kicked my butt.  I’m out of shape.  Still, I’m trying to be gentle with myself and allow my body recovery time from the surgery.  So if I go tomorrow it’ll be a short session, and in fact I’d be better off either walking or going to the pool.

I also spent several hours back in the data mines, reading and saving more clinical studies on endometrial cancer and it’s various treatments.  While I like to have information, it’s also clear to me that doing that for several hours makes me nutty.

To top it off, I got some lab work back yesterday that scared me – several things were abnormal – C reactive protein was very high, as was the ESR, both of these are measures of inflammation.  My PCP who is normally impossible to move into ‘mildly concerned’ was considerably concerned with these (repeating them next week).  These high levels of inflammation could be early warning signs of autoimmune disease or are often found at the same time as cancer (but mine is supposedly non-invasive so…).  In any event, it’s another worry on top of the others.  I am also insufficient in vitamin D, and so have started a 3 prong approach to that – taking a prescription bolus of 100,000 iu a month, taking daily 15 minute sunbaths, and switching to a face cream that does not contain SPF.  I’ve read too much about the link between low vitamin D and cancer to give two hoots about looking older, and I think the risk of a skin abnormality in the future is a moot point if I’m not healthy RIGHT NOW.  When I get to the US at the end of July I’ll also pick up a good-quality high-dose vitamin D supplement.  Right now I have a supplement of 800iu but that is obviously not enough – I’ve taken that much for at least a year.

Better news : I finally switched out my summer clothes and found that several items that are too big – 2 pair of jeans that I bought in desperation going into last summer because I couldn’t find ANYTHING to fit me here in Paris, and they never fit well (but cost a fortune).  Well, I’m down 17 pounds now and they are ridiculous looking and I decided to get rid of them.  Yeah!  I also went through some of the other boxes of stored clothes – which are labeled with the weight I think I need to be to wear them, and surprised myself by finding a pair of black capris that didn’t fit last summer but are okay now, and found several other items that I could get on – they’re not ready to be worn in public, but the progress is clear.  They also feel like new things since they’ve been too small for over a year (and won’t come out this summer – I don’t intend to open that box again until I hit the weight marked on it, so it will be several months more.

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