sad and scared

June 19, 2009

Tonight I am very sad and very scared.

I am sad because I am realizing that in all likelihood I will never have a child, and this has been my dearest dream for many many years.  Wanting children together has been a foundation of my marriage, and I am not so sure that my marriage will survive this huge disappointment.  I love him, he loves me, but we really wanted kids together and I have moments of doubt as to the importance of this common goal in the structure of our relationship.

I’m also very, very scared.  The physical side of the operation on Tuesday has been relatively minor.  The pain is not so severe, the bleeding almost non-existent, the physical healing coming along quickly.  But the terror of what kinds of malignant cells they might be finding and where and how diffuse they might be is a constant worry in my mind, and one that seems to just get bigger and bigger as the hours tick by.

Putting on a strong public face is wearing me down too.  My mom is here, full of worry and concern and a million doctor questions, and trying to reassure her and keep her from having a breakdown may be pushing me close to my own.  My husband is worried as hell and also under tremendous pressure at work – this is always his busiest time of the year, one of his top guys just had a baby and so is tired and not up to par, and one of the other top people is in the hospital bleeding while pregnant and unlikely to come back to work in the coming months – and my husband is the only one who can do what they do in the office, so he’s basically working 3 fulltime jobs plus having to be there for me.  So I feel like a huge drag when I ask for even a little bit, because I know he’s running from one huge pressure into another, morning noon and night, barely sleeping…

I also feel very alone.  I feel responsible for being in this situation, in part for my weight, in part for every unkind thought or deed I’ve ever done, like there must be some reason I’m not considered good enough by the universe to be a mother, and to need to suffer both infertilty and cancer.

I keep trying to be strong, because I’m very afraid that if I keep falling apart one of the times when I’m in peices I won’t get it back together again.  Part of me thinks the better solution is to keep a stiff upper lip and hold it all in, and part of me just wants to sob and scream.

Monday I see the doctor to get news on the cancer.  It’s going to be a long few days until then.

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