Truth, stress & thanks

February 12, 2008

I am very thankful for your supportive comments. Just realizing that I was on the wrong path was a big help – today I managed to eat better than I have in the past few days, in part because I was able to see the approach wasn’t working. Maybe that’s one benefit those of us who’ve spent years struggling with our weight have – an ability to see what is not going to work and change approaches quickly.

The truth is I am feeling a lot of stress right now. I have really tried to manage my stress – I’ve had a lot of lovely long walks in the past few days, and I’ve done some cooking (one of my goals for the year). I saw 2 friends over the weekend, which is huge considering that I rarely see one friend a month.

So why am I stressed? Because the fat pants are tight again? Not really, although that’s certainly not helping. No, the stress is coming in multiple directions. The job stress is still present – not liking my current job very much, still up in the air for a potential job change – and in my view the longer it’s taking the less likely it is…

But that’s just part of it.

We’re trying to get pregnant again, and doing injectable drugs to stimulate ovulation (extra eggs) and an insemination on Friday. So the drugs (hormones) alone could be making me batty, and the high-tech medical procedures surely increase daily stress, plus the extra pressure that trying to conceive puts on you in general. Not to mention that the last time we did this I did get pregnant but later miscarried… So I’m full of hope, hormones and fear.

And to add to that my DH is sick. Pretty seriously sick. I mean, it’s treatable, manageable, and I’m grateful for that. He has had bad diverticulitis attacks for over 6 months now and is basically on antibiotics for 2 weeks every 2-3 weeks. When he has an attack he has really bad abdominal pain and a risk of the infection getting carried away and rupturing in his intestines and sending bad nasty bacteria all over which may or may not respond later to antibiotics after emergency surgery. Ok, that’s the worst case scenario, but every attack the risk is there, and this one is a doozy. He has surgery scheduled for the 25th as a preventative thing – to remove the part of his intestine where all this is happening. He chose the end of February for this surgery almost 6 months ago over my vigorous protests (I wanted him to have it sooner) and now that he’s got another monster attack he might have to put it off, or end up having emergency surgery (which is much more dangerous). I am worried about him and also in the “anger” phase because I thought this might happen if he put the surgery off until the last possible moment…. And he is really suffering, in considerable pain, very tired, unable to concentrate, relax or get comfortable. He doesn’t have a fever and the pain is just at the level to tolerate … but every day he tells me if it gets worse he’ll go to the hospital. It’s not getting worse, but not getting better either. It’s frustrating, and it’s hard to be smiley and upbeat and helpful to him all the time.

I’m being honest here on this blog so I’ll also confess to this – I’m annoyed that he let it get to this point because he didn’t want to take the time to have the surgery earlier, and I’m annoyed he’s having this crisis NOW. I am taking high-power (and expensive) injections every night to help US have a baby, and right now the odds are 50/50 that he’s not in the hospital when he’s supposed to be giving his “deposit” for our insemination on Friday morning… I guess I’m very selfish to think of myself and our TTC journey when he’s suffering.

Well, that’s the context for me right now. Weight loss is still something I’m going to accomplish in 2008, but it’s not a priority right now…

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