{untitled} – words don’t come close

June 1, 2009

My world got flipped upside down on Monday.

I blogged about my weight, about being up a pound, about having followed carb-restriction for several weeks with mediocre results.

God, how I wish that was my concern a few hours later.

As those who’ve been following know, we’ve been trying to get pregnant for quite a while, and have been through the wringer – medical assistance, miscarriage, IVF that resulted in ectopic, failed frozen transfer.  We decided to go for the best for an IVF cycle with a clinic in the US that is supposed to be the best in the world because at age 40, it’s time, not money, that is the biggest enemy.  I haven’t blogged about it here much because other than some testing there hadn’t yet been much going on – but last Saturday I got the period that would start the cycle, and was on the road to go.

Monday (after my blog post) I went to see my local doctor, a reproductive gynecologist specialist, who had referred me to this US clinic and was doing the local prescribing and monitoring (of a treatment plan developed by the other center).  I was getting prescriptions for tests, for drugs, and getting the last of the paperwork that I needed copies of – a few test results that had come in late.

Only one came in both late and bad.  Very bad.  Cancer bad.

It’s been a hell of a week.  At first I was just concerned my schedule to do this IVF was getting screwed up – what an inconvenience!  Then it started to dawn on me that this might be the least of my worries.

I was on autopilot Monday, not really realizing the full implications until I’d already taken a plane to Munich, then spent most of the week pretending to work but completely preoccupied as I looked up all kinds of scary stuff on the internet and had many many calls to my doctor and a dear friend who is extremely well connected in the cancer circles here in Paris and was researching doctors for me (and turned up the same name as the person I’d been referred to).

Friday I came home and had an MRI which showed nothing (a good thing) and an appointment with a gyn-oncologist who was very reassuring.   Or as reassuring as can be in this type of situation.

Yesterday I told my family (many doctors, so lots of specific questions).

I am scheduled for a D&C for laparoscopy for checking for confirming diagnosis on June 16th.

My mind swims constantly with so much.  Guilt at being overweight, as obesity is the #1 risk factor for endometrial cancer.  Deep sorrow at the high likelihood I will never have a child.  Fear of what cancer means, getting sick, dying, suffering, being a burden.  Trying to be strong.  Trying to be positive.  Knowing it’s a good thing this was caught early (doctor believes based on the MRI that it is stage 0 or stage 1A).

Fear of the choices, if I am lucky enough to get to make them (if the diagnosis is low-grade tumor and stage 0 or 1A then I might be able to do hormone treatment for several months and then try IVF to gather eggs – although likely with a surrogate to carry the embryos).  But of course no guarantee of a baby and it increases risk, so not an easy choice to make.

I so wish I was worried about my carb intake and my weight right now.

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